The Power of “Both/And”
So, what are dialectics?
Have you ever caught yourself thinking things like: “I should be grateful right now, but instead I’m upset.” “I want to be independent, but I need help with this.” “Either I’m totally confident or I’m going to fail.”
Often, when contradictions like this show up, we try to pick sides. We might spend a lot of time trying to figure out what is “right” or try to push away the parts of reality we don’t like. In the process, we can start to feel frustrated, uncentered, and unsure what to do.
What if I told you the secret to getting unstuck might be replacing or/but with both/and? This shift isn’t just a semantic one. It’s about accepting that two seemingly opposed realities can coexist and be true at the same time.
This principle is called dialectics. As a clinical psychologist, I often help people identify beliefs that are causing distress and problems in their daily lives. Figuring out how to shift these beliefs can help us to cultivate emotional balance, self-compassion, and stronger relationships.
Where Do “Dialectics” Come From?
While dialectics may be taught as a skill in talk therapy, the term is actually rooted in ancient philosophy. Originally, the word was used to refer to the art of debate. The dialectical method encouraged discourse among individuals holding multiple perspectives. This was seen as a pathway to truth. Over time, the meaning of dialectics evolved to refer to a way of resolving internal conflicts.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a treatment developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, this dialectical philosophy was embraced as a core tenant of therapy. Both therapists and clients are asked to hold dialectical assumptions, for example:
Dialectical Agreement
“People can be doing the very best they can and need to do better.”
By accepting this as a both/and, we can find relief from the tension and arbitrary limits that come with an either/or mindset. It also gives us a more nuanced understanding of ourselves, our relationships, and our world. By embracing complexity, we can better see things as they are and find a balance between acceptance and change.
What are Common Dialectical Tensions?
Dialectical tensions can show up as conflicting emotions, thoughts, or urges. They might be about you or your values, a person or relationship, or even a situation in your life:
I love this person, and I feel angry with them.
I want to be self-sufficient, and I need support.
I want to trust people, and people aren’t always trustworthy.
I want to move past this, and I am still hurt by what happened.
I feel guilty saying no to this request, and I am at my limit.
Learning to see both sides as co-existing truths can help reduce emotional tension, strengthen communication, and give us greater clarity about what we want or need.
How to Practice Being Dialectical
The key to making long-lasting change is practice. Our culture often reinforces looking at things in the binary (either/or), which means learning to think dialectically may take quite a bit of effort. It can feel like learning a new language. So, be gentle with yourself when challenges arise and find one way you can practice dialectics now:
Replace “but/or” with “both/and” (bonus points: if you drop the judgments!)
Try rephrasing a non-dialectical thought (“I’m tired but I should go”) as a dialectic by swapping “but” for “and” (“I’m tired and it’s important to me to go”). Notice if this change shifts your feelings about the situation, even a little bit.
Actively look for the other side.
When you notice a situation is prompting a strong opinion or habitual way of thinking (“I can’t do this!”), ask yourself: “Is there another way of looking at this?” or “What am I leaving out?” Then, try to find a more balanced statement, like “I can’t do this right now, and I am new at this and can keep practicing.”
Seek a synthesis:
If you find yourself faced with two opposing feelings, consider how they might fit together. For example, the thoughts “I love my job” and “I hate my job” might be brought together by getting more specific about the truths that exist on both sides. For example, “I am frustrated with this project, and I love the work I get to do with clients.”
One step at a time.
Remember, practice leads to progress. Change doesn’t happen overnight AND it’s possible if you stick with it.
Key Takeaways
Dialectics can bring more color to our lives by getting out of the trap of all-or-nothing binaries. They allow us to hold reality as it is, which—real talk—is messy, complex, and full of conflicting truths. Especially in deeply tense or painful times, this tool can help us let go of unnecessary tension, get some relief, and even find a way forward.
What’s Next?
In the weeks to come, I’ll be building on this idea with other practical skills and nuggets of wisdom that are key to my personal practice of cultivating well-being, and to the work I do with clients. Bookmark my blog and come back weekly to check for new articles!
Looking for More Support?
If you’re curious about working with dialectical principles in your own life, I’d be happy to help. You can learn more about me or my clinical practice, or request a free, 15-minute consultation to see if working together might be a good fit.